[/rant]

I wish I'd go home today but I couldn't. I'm stuck here because I'm unable to support myself. That means I can't complain, I'll have to follow what they want because if I don't...wait, if I don't, what? Maybe she'll stop paying for my college fees and giving me allowances. My graduation day is still a long wait, March 2012. I'm counting the days.

Everyone who knows me knew that I wanted so much to move by the beat of my own drum. But what can a 20 year old undergraduate do? The best job that I could get at this state is being a call center agent, and I'd have to stop school. I'd be working full time for less than fifteen thousand pesos a month.

Every time I would tell my friends that I hate living here in the Philippines, they'd give me a dirty look. I don't hate how I'm a Filipino, I just don't like how me and my future might mix up with the growing poverty here. Say, an average worker here works more than eight hours a day, and they don't even have enough money to provide for their family. Why's that? Because this country is so poor, the tax paid by people is corrupted, and the officials are selling the country's properties to foreigners. I hate how the Filipinos end up as workers to their foreign bosses at their own country. What happened to Filipino first?

If Filipinos are discriminated here, then I guess I'll just move to another country and work there earning my share a lot better compared to here. At least discrimination comes "natural" and will probably end once you've completely settled in.

Plus, journalists are killed here. I love my life. I don't care how people will say how unpatriotic I am. I'm selfish, and Ayn Rand said that selfishness is both moral and practical. I wouldn't choose to stay here and go down. You wouldn't understand.

I've thought of rallying, but watched in news that thousands of people already tried only to be beaten up. Did it make a difference? No.

All I want is to be independent, to have the government provide student loans, to work for my living expenses, I would've been able to do that if I was somewhere else. But this country just won't let me do it. No offense to hardcore patriots, I just want a better life.

Something is wrong

But I can't figure out what. I'll try.

Break down:

School - Haven't done anything for thesis yet. Planning to do this today, look for interviewees and finalize questionnaires but I'm not sure if we'll make any progress. I feel so lazy right now I don't even want to come to class. :P

But that's not a problem. Things like that can be patched up very easily. I just need a push, or maybe a close deadline.

Family - It's cool. I don't want to talk about it but it's alright. I get the time I want now.

Friends - Mads is torn while Lola can't figure out if she's in love or what. I'm affected by what's happening with Mads but like Lola said, at the end of the day it's her problem, and I can't do anything to solve it.

Work - Boss told me to increase the number of articles I write in a day. I write two articles normally, sometimes one when I feel lazy. Now I write three and it's still not good enough. Eh, maybe I'll increase it again next month when he tells me. :P

Nanowrimo - Dropped. Stuck at 11,000 words. I know what to write. I just don't know why I can't write it. Why can't I? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out here. *sigh*

Boyfriend - Do I have one? :P Aw, he's alright. He's doing what I told him to do. But I don't know if it's really what I want, or if he feels bad about it. He doesn't open up to me and say what he thinks and what he feels. He thinks that I'm the bestest person ever. It's always me me me which I really hate. I loved the attention, but now I'm getting tired of it.

~~~

What's my problem? What's wrong? I still don't know. I don't know why I'm unmotivated, hopeless, and lonely. All I know is that I have a lot of things to do, and maybe I should start working on those right now. Because of this ugly feeling it'll be hard, but it's worth trying.

Somewhere only we know

You're adorable, you're not

I like you, I don't

You're cute, you're wasted

You're kind, you're mean

I miss you, I don't

You're the apple, I'm Eve

Is love supposed to act this way? Unsure, and ever-changing? Maybe it's not really what I thought it was. But I loved how I started my day smiling at everyone like a madwoman. You did that to me. I loved the way I came in class and all my friends stared at me quizzically. And all I told them when they asked me what was up with my crazy sweet smile was, "I'm in love." I felt good when I said it, even though I really don't know if I am or it's just some phase.

Whatever it was, I hope one day I'd be sure, so we could go together somewhere only we know.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

Ashes and Wine

When playing this song, a lot of things spark in my head like tiny bulbs so bright they blind and bring tears.

In the four minute song, this is what I had thought of:

New in Journalism school. Ian McMichan. Playlist.com. Out of place. Braces. DJ Murtaugh. Internet addiction. Guitar. Braces. Short ruffled hair. My favorite striped orange shirt. Nerd. Compaq laptop. Surfing. Hate school. Lost. Rejection. Desperation. Drunk. Sense of unbelongingness. Daddy. Angst. Late night neoseeking. Fabric conditioner. Too much rain. Broken heart.

It reminds me of November 2008.

When I had just turned 18 and life was lonely. Not that it isn't now, it is, still. But before was worse, as I had no concrete idea on what I'd do with my life. I was unloved. I was that new girl people should ignore. I was that poor girl people should pity on. I was that plain girl who would always go unnoticed. And I was that desperate girl who was told several times that she deserved better, but she knows it was a damn lame excuse of the guy she thought she loved.

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
And I'll drown in my tears, don't they see?
And that would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same I don't want mudslinging games
It's just a shame to let you walk away

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This days are spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out, I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down, no

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

And I'll tear myself away
So if it?s that is what you need, there is nothing left to say but

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

Captured

I was crying okay? There were tears. It wasn't visible though. >_>

Video project for Photo and Video Journalism. Had so much fun filming it with my buds Mads, Lola, and John and later on editing it with Mads at home.

Also, thanks to the people who helped us. If they're reading this, they would know who they are. :P

This was our very first time doing this, we were new in using the camera and we weren't listening during the discussion so we didn't know how to tinker with the white balance. :\ Aaaand, it was my first time using Adobe Premiere Pro. When I first opened the program I was like, 'Whoa, I hope this won't eat me whole." Noob. >_>

But thanks to the videos online, I pretty much learned the basics...soooo here it is:

When I was Bitter

You said that people change
Uncontrollably and out of range
Never thought it could come true
Until it happened to you

I woke up one bright morning
Alone and left with nothing
No more pictures lined on the wall
And you never answered my call

I found myself alone and thinking
Why everything didn't end up working
Am I not good enough for you?
My cooking not as good as your mom's stew?

I laughed bitter and cold
Hardly because I choked
Then realized that this cherry coke
Is better than you, ole' bloke.

~~

I find it really funny now.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time." -Carol Burnett

Us

I can't stop smiling. :D

God has a way of cheering me up when I'm about to go someplace hated. Also, I felt how good 'real' is.

Sooooo

There was this guy at the bus. He was busy listening to his music while I caught my breath (ran a bit to catch the bus). And then I noticed how long his hair was, tied up behind him. My eyes went *_*

Not only that, he was also really cute so I sat beside him. :)

I didn't know if I pretended to be asleep or if I really was. All I know was that I liked the feeling of resting my head on his shoulder. It was cold, but he was so warm. And we were so close as if I had known him for so long. He didn't mind. Once or twice I looked up and saw his eyes closed. I was sure he wasn't sleeping, maybe like me, he also pretended.

And this song played while I tried to sleep, contented.

They made a statue of us
And it put it on a mountain top
Now tourists come and stare at us
Blow bubbles with their gum
Take photographs have fun, have fun

They'll name a city after us
And later say it's all our fault
Then they'll give us a talking to
Then they'll give us a talking to
Because they've got years of experience
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious

They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
The tourists come and stare at us
The sculptor's marble sends regards
They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
Our noses have begun to rust
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
Were living in a den of thieves

And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious

They don't come near me

But they come near Mads

I also want to see

One of my most liked fads

This guy with his girl

Having a footspa in a salon

His long hair entangled in a twirl

On her fingers alone

He told a corny joke

That his girl ignored

In his laughter he almost choked

But the girl was all bored

He cupped her face

Pulled her close

His lips on hers traced

Their mouths in a long prose

She wasn't even pretty

And she's got a guy like that

I was green with envy

I wanna hit her with a bat

Mads and I are jealous

Lola doesn't care

Cause she doesn't like boys

Why do I always lose?

It's not fair. :(

~~~

For Mads who just got a pretty haircut and who also told me the story that inspired this frustration. lol

And also Lola for not going all 'Awwwwwwwwwwwww, shall we burn the bitch?'

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

There is a light that never goes out

(This is a post-blog in the previous one I had posted)

So I told you I was all happy and all. It ended when I got to go somewhere errrr. (It's just kinda' funny how the happy stuff flies out when you're nearing an inevitable negativity) . So I was trying to cheer myself up, cause I just generally hate weekends. Maybe you'll find that weird, but yea, I enjoy being in school more. While walking home, I tried to put thoughts of how my weekends suck away and sang this song. Just as I was singing, 'don't care, don't care, don't ca--' I was cut off BECAUSE I TRIPPED AND CRASHED ON THE SIDEWALK.

I hit my knee and it took some time before I stood up after losing my balance cause I was boggled and my knees hurt like f*ck. I bet I was red with tomatoes but I didn't care, all I thought about that time was, NEGATIVITY BEGINS, HAPPINESS GOES BYE BYE.

(you can see how much annoyed I am with all the capitals. ;D)

Oh looook at Paulo Coelho's tweet: Instead of preaching the importance of happiness, be happy and people will follow your example.

He tells me I should be happy. But not here, no, I can't. :( Maybe when I'm finally somewhere better.

Geez, I'm easily distracted. Anyway, it sucks how abrupt my good feelings stopped. But I really hope I'll get it back again soon. And I love this song even if I tripped while listening to it. Oh note: Be careful yourself while listening. Ha! ;D

This part rings a bell: Driving in your car, oh please don't drop me home because it's not my home, it's their home.

You know, if we're just together, and if we're just so in love, everything would be bearable. I wouldn't even notice the negativity, I wouldn't care about how home sucks. Cause I have you and that's all that would ever matter.

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
Who are young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people
And I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their home
And I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me
And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight
Oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
No, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out

Please, please, please let me get what I want

I dreamt of you last night. It was awesome. I think it's because of too much thoughts of what I'll do when I'd be lucky and get the internship in Washington. Anyway, it was cloudy, perfect weather. You and I are walking towards home. You held me so tight I swear I knew how sturdy you are, and how sexy you smelled like. We were laughing. I tipped your head to face me, my nose almost touching your smile. Your breath smelled of mint, I pulled you down and you kissed me.

When we got home. We went to sleep and you held me all night.

All day in school I was smiling. My friends thought I was crazy. On my way home, I played this song on repeat. I wished I'd dream about you again. But I wished more that someday soon it'll come true. Cause you just don't know how much I like you. :)

Good times for a change
See the luck I've had
Could make a good man turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Get what I want this time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See the life I've had
Could make a good man turn bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time

Lord knows it would be the first time

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Get what I want this time

Lord knows it would be the first time

Can't Stand It

This song is just so you! Do you know that? I really can't stand you and everything you do because it's so cute. :\

The simple things you do for me makes me really happy, I wanted to cry because of too much appreciation. You never ignored me and my requests/favors/wants. Well, the last one is ehhhh but still, you're always there for me.

I don't know if you'll know I'm talking about you if you read this. I'm starting to have this feeling that you're oblivious, insensitive and you sometimes can't be arsed...but maybe I'm wrong after all. Well, who knows? If you get this inkling, and the signs I'm sending, grats. :P

I don't have to tell anything now, do I? You already know what I feel after all.

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super fucking cute
And I can’t stand it

I’ve been searching for
A girl that’s just like you
Cause I know
That your heart is true

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it

Let’s forget,
And run away
To sail the ocean blue
Then you’ll know,
That my heart is true

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it

You, you got me where you want me
Cause I’ll do anything to please you
Just to make it through…
Another year

You, I saw you across the room
And I knew that this is gonna
Blossom into something beautiful.
You’re beautiful.

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it
No I can’t stand it
No I can’t stand it

A Little Piece of Heaven

The ending of my short story made me feel sick. That actually wasn't my intention but I desperately wanted to finish it because I have stalled too much. I actually started writing early or late January, and finished it September. That was when I was too inspiringly mean to my bestie Lola. XD

View story here.

Dear Lola, I didn't really mean to end it that way but you hated the story from the very beginning, sooo, I suppose you won't care. Haha. You hated Douglas having a perfect life and falling in love with Lola, either way you'd feel the same. ;D

Anyway, I think reading too much Stephen King did this to me. But don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved 'Everything's Eventual'.

And this song reminds me of the ending, same way as Mads did. WARNING: Video contains explicit material. hurrr

Before the story begins, is it such a sin,
for me to take what's mine, until the end of time
We were more than friends, before the story ends,
And I will take what's mine, create what
God would never design

Our love had been so strong for far too long,
I was weak with fear that
something would go wrong,
before the possibilities came true,
I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears,(hahaha)
conjuring her deepest fears
(come here you fucking bitch)

Must have stabbed her fifty fucking times,
I can't believe it,
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes,
Eyes over easy, eat it eat it eat it

She was never this good in bed
even when she was sleepin'
now she's just so perfect I've
never been quite so fucking deep in
it goes on and on and on,
I can keep you lookin' young and preserved forever,
with a fountain to spray on your youth whenever

’Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
and a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
’cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
let's make a new start
’cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
but baby don't cry

Now possibilities I'd never considered,
are occurring the likes of which I'd never heard,
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave,
to repossess a body with which I'd misbehaved

Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears

Must have stabbed him fifty fucking times
I can't believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes
Eyes over easy
Eat it eat it eat it

Now that it's done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave

I gotta make up for what I've done
’Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
while you burned in hell, no peace forever

’Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
and a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
but baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
’Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, We fell apart
Let’s make a new start
’Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

I will suffer for so long
(What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you
(I pray to God that you do)
I'll do whatever you want me to do
(Well then I’ll grant you a chance)
And if it's not enough
(If it’s not enough, If it’s not enough)
If it's not enough
(Not enough)
Try again
(Try again)
And again
(And again)
Over and over again
(Over and over again)
We’re coming back, coming back
We’ll live forever, live forever
Let’s have a wedding, have a wedding
Let’s start the killing, start the killing

Do you take this man in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(Yes, I do.)
Do you take this woman in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(I do.)
I now pronounce you...

’Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
but baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
’Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
’Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

The Butchered Tale of Lola Lopez and Douglas Pt. 3 (finale)

Lola opened her eyes with chest thundering. She planned to pretend that she passed out but felt that the floor was too cold and hard. She quickly scampered towards the far corner of the room, burying herself under the huge empty fish crates. Color left her face not because she was scared of what might happen to her but because the smell of rotten fish filled her nose, it was almost impossible to breathe. She went back where she bonked her head before and started to think.

Nothing.

She clinched that it was probably because of her fall but she quickly realized that she felt no difference; her mind was always like that. She sighed, concentrated, and did the yoga pose. She heard the loud motor of the yacht, the squeals of seagulls and the angry grumble of her tummy. After a minute of calming enlightenment, she came up with a list of plans:

1. Shoot seagulls, too noisy, can’t concentrate
2. Eat seagulls, too hungry, can’t think
3. Sucks aiming at flying things
4. Shoot Douglas instead
5. Eat Douglas
6. Find gun
7. (looked around) No gun
8. Whack with baseball bat
9. (looked around) No bat
10. Can’t…think…need…food

She whimpered, her tummy ached of need.

Lola didn’t know that behind the doors where she put her weight, Douglas was listening, also aching with need. He thought that Lola’s moans sounded lovely. If only he was the cause of those sweet moans…

'Coitus!' He cursed, gritting his teeth.

He unzipped his pants. Lola looked like a Barbie doll. Actually, she was the epitome of a gorgeous doll, a reality, something he always wanted but would never get. Douglas had a fetish for dolls, and though Lola was real, he thought that liking her started to make him grow up. His mother who thought that he was a worthless piece of shit always told him to grow up and get a life, but he just loved Barbie’s legs that he couldn’t move on. But his mother wouldn’t know about this anymore. She was after all, one of his dolls.

One night he was desperate for love, but there were no Barbies around where his car broke down. He saw an old gasoline station and an old house next to it. He saw a doll inside the house when he went looking for food, but it was a baby doll. He grabbed the baby and thought that was enough to satisfy his need. It was still a doll, he thought.

What he did was what a pedophile does, he realized. He felt sick and ashamed of himself, and murdered the baby doll. When he finished dismembering it, the eyes were still blinking, it drove him crazy that he kept stabbing.

That was when he saw Lola watching him. She looked like a goddess under the moonlight. That was also when he realized he wanted her so badly.

'Uhhhrrrmmm-uhhh ohhhh.' Lola moaned.

Douglas pressed his ear closer against the cold metal door and whispered to himself, 'Oh my Einstein! Why must Lola subsist as a blistering, burning at boiling point amatory beast of a woman?'

Hands now inside his pants, he closed his eyes, and his mouth watered as he imagined all the things he would do with Lola, given the chance.

Just as he was about to reach the zenith of pleasure, Lola stopped moaning. She stopped making any sound at all. Like a flower not watered for a week, what Douglas held wilted. He was in the verge of crying, but stopped himself and knocked.

'Are you still prevailing?' No answer.

'Lola?' Still no answer.

Douglas backed away several meters, his face that of a charging rhino. He then raced towards the door at full speed, his shoulders aimed against it. The door swiftly opened, it wasn’t locked after all. Still, he hit something blocking the door before it banged on the wall. A painful shriek was heard, and then everything was silent again.

Stepping inside, Douglas saw Lola lying face down a few steps away from the door, her limbs twisted in a funny manner, and her hair all over. He felt his throat tighten as he slowly walked towards Lola’s pallid body. He gathered her into his arms and consoled her hoping to hear her say something. When she didn’t, he broke into tears. Crying over her chest, he felt weird in a good way. He thought of crying more so that his tears would soak her clothes making it possible to take a peek on what was underneath. When he caught himself with those horrible thoughts, he pinched himself and wailed.

After a few moments, Douglas felt a hard tug on his hair. It was so painful that he dropped Lola’s body. Looking down on her, he saw that her bloodshot eyes were wide open, and her lips purple. She was so white, except for the dark red blood flowing down her nostril.

Douglas backed away shaking with fear. Lola came back from the underworld to haunt him, she might also try to kill him like what his mother tried to do, he thought.

'You stupid bastard.' Lola hissed.

'Don’t loom in my proximity!' Douglas’ voice came out jagged.

'I’m so hungry I could just tear a piece of you off.' Lola was mad with hunger, not to mention that it was his fault why her head felt like splitting.

Lola stood up wavering, she leaned on the wall near the stinking crates. Douglas was shaking like crazy, his face looked agitated and petrified. She wondered what was wrong with him, but realized he was scared because he thought she was back from the dead. She laughed at the idea of scaring him and felt proud for forming a way of escape.

'Graaaggrrrghh!' Lola roared gutturally. Raising her arms slightly overhead, she sauntered towards him.

Douglas shrieked like a woman. Grabbing a pipe lying on the floor, he struck Lola on her side which made her kneel and squirm in pain. 'What’s wrong with you?' She shouted angrily.

He held the pipe tightly with both hands and swung once more, hitting Lola on the head. It was so forceful that she fell on the floor, unable to perceive what was happening. Before her mind closed in on her, she felt warm liquid dripping down her forehead, into her lashes and down her cheeks. She was momentarily blinded, but was able to see Douglas' evil grin as he continued beating her with the bloody pipe. She also heard him repeatedly say, ‘you’re gonna be my doll.’


It ends here

Douglas rocked his chair back and forth, smiling contentedly as he blew smoke. He reached towards the chair next to him where his lovely wife sat. His hand slowly encased hers, carefully, as not to tear off the fragile skin. He caressed her still face, all beautiful and preserved. He traced her smile, and thought that this was the most beautiful thing he had created, well, apart from his mom. His hand slid down her cold neck and before he knew it, he was carrying her back to bed.

Quelqu'un m'a dit

I find this song really calming, and I just can't stop listening to it even if I didn't understand a thing. Relating to it was very easy for me though. It's like my life right now: it couldn't be understood but it goes well.

Sometimes I think how my life sucks, but I realized while listening to this song that it's exactly like that. I can't understand how or where it will go, but I enjoy living it.

Cheers to me for being optimistic on my 20th.
Yes, it's today. :)




On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Refrain

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Refrain

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

(I preferred to post the original language, but if you want to find out what the lyrics mean, go to this site: http://lyricstranslate.com/en/Quelqu%E2%80%99un-M%E2%80%99-Dit-Quelqu%E2%80%99un-M%E2%80%99-Dit.html)

Afterlife

Trapped again as usual. Why can't they just let me go and let me be happy? They're all miserable and they're dragging me down. My feeling for this place: Burning hate.
I know I'm not the only one feeling this, even their own hates every second. Funny. None of them can't let go because they're being held in the neck, squirm and they'd snap it. No one ever dared to defy either. Sadly, not even me. Hell.

But soon I'll leave this wretched place. That's for sure.



Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)


I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Summer Shudder

I post another music video, I listen to it on repeat, I sing as I cry, and it's still all about you.

You know you frustrate me
From the start you believed I'm real
Now you told me it's not easy
When I confessed about what I feel.

I told you I like you more than a friend, didn't I? I've felt that way for a long time. I just don't want to ruin our friendship, and now I did. Somehow, I knew this was coming, that rejection is everything I'll get from you. But a larger part of me hopes that I'll be happy, that you'll want me as much as I want you.

I burned.




Listen when I say,
When I say it's real.
Real life goes undefined,
Why must you be so missable?

Everything you take,
Makes me more unreal.
Real lines are undefined.
How can this be so miserable?

Under the summer rain, I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
You turned away.

Listen I can't make.
Make a sound or feel.
Feel fine I kissed the lies,
Why must they be so kissable?
Listen as I break.
Break the fourth wall's seal.
Gorgeous eyes shine suicide
When will we be invisible?

Under the summer rain, I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
We find a way.
Under the summer rain, I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
You turned away.

This is the fall,
This is the long way down.
And our lives look smaller now,
And our lives look so small.
Willingly crying.

This is the fall,
This is the long way down.
And our lives look smaller now,
And our lives look so small.

Under the summer rain, I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
We find a way.

Under the summer rain, I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
We find a way.

Under the summer rain (Burn!)
I burnt away.
Under the summer rain (Burn!)
You turned away...

The Butchered Tale of Lola Lopez and Douglas pt. 2

‘I saw what I saw!’ Lola argued with the waitress who served her sundae.

'Look miss, if you don't believe me, why don't you order another bowl of sundae? You're hallucinating.'

'I am not. I saw you pour nuts into my sundae.' She said gritting her teeth and then mumbled, 'hate nuts, hate nuts.'

'Why don't you dig down your sundae? I swear you can't find a trace of nut in there.' The waitress eyed her again sharply as she walked back inside the counter. Lola scrutinized her sundae carefully, scared that she'd turn red as a tomato and itchy as fungi.

She kept blabbering and looking at the waitress as she pretended to be pissed after she finally realized that the waitress was right, the creamy coast was clear, no nuts in sight. When the waitress had gone to tend to customers, Lola wolfed down her sundae and stuck the last piece of cherry inside her mouth after a minute or two. As she got ready to stand up and leave, she pulled out a flask hidden at the back of her jeans, like a gun, and gulped the contents.

'I know you saw me.' A man's guttural voice said at the back of her neck, which made her shiver in surprise.

Lola gasped. Even if she was dumb, she wasn't stupid. She couldn't figure out the difference between the two but she pointed out in her head that the words were not similar. Anyway, Lola knew that it was the man who hunted her; Andy, the stout angler who works part time in the grocery where she tried to shoplift a bottle of whisky. He finally caught her!

'I swear I didn't intend to steal that whiskey, it-it jumped into my grocery bag.' She breathlessly explained.

'I'm not talking about that, fatuous. Hypothetically, you saw me while you were sitting below the northern sky where the big dipper is resting all year round. I noticed you amused yourself with its perplex circumpolar attribute. Don't disavow it.'

Lola had a sudden migraine. Every word the man said was like small needles piercing her brain. 'What the fuck are you talking about? If it's not about the whiskey, then go away.' She massaged her temples as she walked away from the man whom she noticed wearing a thick black trench coat with the collar raised up, obscuring the full view of the man's face.

'Halt.' The man painfully seized her arm. 'Wherever you are going, I will not authorize it.'

Lola's memory finally did her some justice for she remembered the night she was looking at the stars. Come to think of it, it was just last night after all. She mentioned it to some people in the apartment where her tired legs managed to take her before she passed out. When she woke up, she had a brand new empty brain, like a nutshell devoured of contents. Now that she remembered it clearly, her heart raced. All that registered in her head was that the guy holding her was a bad man. A criminal. A murderer.

'Let me go! You're a killer!' She screamed out loud enough that people walking outside the diner looked past the translucent glass walls made opaque by the print of the diner's name. Douglas let her go in panic after people started studying him suspiciously. He stormed outside as if he didn't know or care about Lola.

Lola knew he’d return to get her. And she'd rather be damned than to let his dirty shaky hands touch her again. Her teeth were chattering as an icy feeling engulfed her, puncturing every inch of her skin with fear. Her head ached because it was the very first time she thought about a lot of things and planned what to do next. Plan. The word gave her excitement and migraines. After an hour or so, she was inside her trailer, packing her things up.

She banged the metal doors of her trailer close after she pulled her knapsack behind her. When she wasn't able to latch the door in a hurry, she decided not to and immediately walked away. Before she turned on a curb, she noticed a man's head bobbing up and down in the bushes, probably trying to conceal himself. She grew alarmed and ran. When she looked back, the man was gone.

'Hah. Stupid fool.' She mumbled. Just then she bumped into something hard and wondered why she didn't see the wall coming. All the hair in her body stood up in fear when she felt sturdy arms trapping her. It wasn't a wall, it wasn't a pole, it was Douglas.

'Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!' Came Lola's screeching scream.

'Silence! I kill you!' Douglas voice came so small and strained but he felt proud because he was digging Achmed. Douglas thought he looked like him except for his afro hair.

Moving on, Lola managed to kick Douglas' crotch with her ultra mega stainless steel pointed heels that made Douglas scream in pain and roll down the sidewalk. Lola ran at full speed, without looking back in case there were walls or poles blocking her way. Her sore feet brought her to the harbor where she saw a sparkling yacht. She jumped in and thought she might hide there for a bit or until her brain would do a miracle and start working. She hid in one of the cabins and relaxed. But every cell in her body jumped up in panic when the motor roared. In minutes, the yacht cruised the deep blue. When she peeked in the circular window of the cabin door, she saw a man with an afro behind the wheels.

Douglas and Lola were in the yacht. She knew she would be dead, and then she passed out.

The Butchered Tale of Lola Lopez and Douglas pt. 1

A Brief introduction of Miss Lola

Many considered Lola Lopez the hottest girl in town. Her being a cheerleader by day and a stripper by night was common knowledge to every folk and it wasn't a big deal anymore. It was before, but people fairly understood that Lola wasn't capable of doing anything, not even serve coffee in a local diner. Her spilling breasts are always a distraction. Every clothing she wore seemed to lack threads, buttons, and yes, cloth in general. They judged her of having a pea-sized brain and that the only thing she could do was shake her booty all day and night long which wasn't bad at all, since every town needed some sort of an eye candy like her.

She wasn't Jewish but she wore a necklace with the Star of David. She had a tattoo of Super Mario on her right bicep and wore the usual cheerleader outfit: red with yellow and black stripes. Unlike normal pretty girls in campus, she wasn't envied partly because her whole being was needed to exist, like water, like rain, like mercy from heaven's gate.

Nobody knew where Lola came from. All they knew was that Lola has pure Spanish blood running through her veins and that she had a funny accent that never changed although she had lived in an American community since she was a child. Somebody claimed that Lola was left by a travelling carnival because she refused to do cartwheels and hoola-hoops (again, the only thing she was good at). Aside from her irresistible looks, her dark long lashes, her pouty red lips and her perfect body to die for, she was a weight in the group because she couldn’t do anything productive and she wolfs down food like a construction worker after a long day's work.

Though Lola earns a fair amount of money, she lived off with bargain groceries in wal-mart, lived in a trailer, couldn't buy dog shampoo for her stinking dog Cinderella (which was a male), and was contented in hitch-hiking to get across the county and back. A barista whom she used to date confessed that it was because Lola loved to smoke pot and alcohol was her best friend. She could make the manufacturer of a beer rich even if she would be its only customer for she drinks 12-16 bottles a day, which she claimed good for her body as she heard a doctor said to drink the same amount of water a day. Nobody knew why she never got a beer belly. Some jealous bikers with bulging tummies asked, and she answered them with pride. "I am anorexic!" People of hearing distance just rolled their eyes for it is aforementioned that she eats more than an average male does. Nobody can understand Lola, some tried and they ended up trapped inside their heads, their bodies in asylums.


Where the story began

After dancing naked inside a life-sized cocktail glass filled with pink liquid, Lola walked towards Kilometer 87 to wait for a ride. When she couldn't get a ride for an hour, because it was already fifteen minutes past three in the morning, she took off her high-heeled sandals and walked but immediately slipped them back on and removed her skirt. That way, she thought, someone would take notice of her and give her a ride. Although she was cold and her feet were full of blisters, she walked on like a model, brandishing herself on the concrete road she imagined to be an international runway.

After the fourth time she fell down, which was after her tenth step, she gave up and sat down the concrete road. In front of her was an old closed down gasoline station. She took great joy in watching the stars, completely ignoring a suspicious man walking around the dark establishment. To amuse herself, she played a game of finding objects in the sky. She has never done it during the day, which was what normal people do; finding shapes of things in the clouds. Instead, she had fun doing it on the stars. After what seemed like ages, she saw something unusual. A baby.

Not in the dark night sky of course, that would be impossible.

She watched a suspicious man carry the baby around the gasoline station. He laid the baby down and removed his pants. The lights over the unusual two flickered as she watched with great concern and curiosity. But since she had a very short attention span, she smiled up in the sky again, amused as if she saw a colorful butterfly.

When she heard a voice of a man grunt and whimper, she looked towards the direction of the gasoline station. What she next saw surprised her. The man was holding up a sharp shiny dagger aimed at the baby lying down in front of him. The tight grasp of the man on his dagger was like the way she held men's dingdong. Later on, that was how she explained what she saw to people so no one believed her nor took time to even listen to her.

Lola saw the dagger go up and down, the way she jacked off Bobby Smith last week. The dagger ripped into the baby, one limb after another was cut off. She covered her mouth, trying not to vomit. Finally, she reacted the way a normal person with feelings would do. She gave out a muffled cry, and when she couldn't contain it, she burst out crying and wailing while running away in fear of the man who took notice of her. And she was sure she knew who he was, he was the only man in town who had never touched her not because he couldn't pay but because of other unexplainable reasons you couldn't trust her to know. Anyway, she was sure as hell it was the geek Douglas.

Feeling Good

No matter how much I listen to this song playing on repeat, it doesn't change how bad I feel right now. I should definitely change just like what the song constantly tells in my head, like some chant or mantra. But as I try to do it, something really sharp pierces my heart, making it so hard to breathe that all I can do is pour all my tears out.

Yes, I think I love you. But you don't.





Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
blossom in the trees you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you
know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Reverie - Three (cont.)

I'm not sure if I should turn around to look at you. But it would be rude if I don't answer, you called me after all. But then again, I don't want you to see my flushed face. I don't know why but my cheeks heated up when I remembered the first time we saw each other at the airport. That moment seemed like a dream, one that I had always thought about in my head weeks before you scheduled your flight. The feeling back then was like the one that only happens in some creative minds, one that cannot be deemed real and I feel no realness at this moment. I'll be sad but relieved when I wake up and finally realize that this is just another figment of my imagination.

Nikki?

Your inquiring voice stopped me short. Geezus. This whole thing brings me too much paranoia. If you hadn't flown all the way here, I'll just be resting at home with nothing in mind but my imaginations of you. Now that you're here, I'm stressed as hell, not knowing how I would please you.

I turned around to answer.

You asked me how long we'll walk because your feet are killing you. Not sure of where we are myself, I just looked ahead and assured you that we'll be there at the bus station soon. I apologized for making you go through such struggle but we both know that I can't take you home. My life ends after this, truth be told. I asked you if I could help you with anything. I looked at your heavy bags and figured maybe I could at least carry one not taking into consideration my luggage. Well, we're staying in a secluded beach for two weeks, it's justifiable.

I'm so relieved to see you smile after you said that you can still handle it. I breathed a puff of air before continuing to walk forward, wishing that the bus station isn't that far from here. I feel guilty. Like every weight on his shoulder is also causing so much distress on me. On top of the decision I made to turn my back against my family, just so I could be with him. It's a huge risk because I believe that this is just a short-term, I bravely tried and dipped in without thinking of the consequences. All because I love him.