And maybe I should stop blogging too

Before I go to bed, I wish you'd talk to me, like you do every time we had misunderstandings. You didn't care if I was in the right or wrong side. All you cared about was wanting to talk to me because you love me. I don't know how you manage leaving both of us miserable (or maybe it was me). Or maybe you don't really feel anything at all except anger because I'm fucking shallow and childish and I'm the only one who's miserable and missing you, the old you.

Maybe you're growing up and you're being mature cause you handle this like a pro. I guess I can't cause I feel so broken and my damn pride won't let me run to you to fix it. I don't think it'll be fixed though, cause you're already like that and I guess you're too tired from work to patch things up with me.

Who am I anyway? I'm just some virtual girl 10,000 miles away you don't even know. I might not even be real.

I hate this relationship.

It's my fault

Anger...now remorse. Funny.

I shouldn't be angry, shouldn't ignore you just because of something so shallow. It sucks how you aren't so patient anymore. I've done or said even things even more shallow it's like I accidentally dropped a little bar of chocolate cause I was clumsy and blamed you even if you're 5,000 or more miles away. Of course that never happened. But it was sorta like that.

Maybe you're growing up. Maybe I'm being childish. Maybe I should just shut up.

I am a fucking blogging mess

This would be my break-up song.
It's good.



There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in time and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Three years ago

I was a noob.
I didn't know much about the internet.
I was ugly (people say I look better now).
My hair was ugly.
So was my skin.
And my teeth (I had braces).
I was terribly shy.
I was innocent (sort of :P ).
I was naive (maybe I still am).

I guess you ran out of patience

It's funny how before you wouldn't leave me alone when we fight and I wouldn't talk. You would keep pestering me with long messages, calling me, and talking to whoever it was connected to me just to get me back to my computer or pick up my phone.

It's also funny how now you don't exert any effort. You go and say you'll sleep and maybe later I'd want to talk to you. I wish I'd never want to talk to you. I wish I could sleep properly without thinking of you or this whole mess.

You know it's not because of Lola and her constipation. It's you not willing to work things with me. I usually stop talking when I get upset, but you usually urge me to talk. Now you don't even try. And that's what's making me feel more upset. Please don't give me the excuse that you don't know, it's just this one time, etc. cause you've been like this for months. You've been really busy, I guess. You stopped doing the little sweet things you do for me before. I don't know if you just forget or it doesn't matter anymore cause it's just me and you know I'm yours and won't go anywhere (so why waste effort?).

Every day I feel like you love me less contrary to what you tell me. Oh but fuck they're just words aren't they? You can tell me everything you want because it's easy. The problem is, you stopped showing me. In the first place, it's already difficult to show what we feel in this relationship but we still try, don't we? Now you just don't care.

You're not the same. You're not who I fell in love with. If you're bored with me, you can go cut your hair (I know you fucking hate it) and find other girls. It won't be the end of the world for me.

Dear Baby,

I'm sorry I've been difficult lately. It's just that I'm not feeling like myself at all. I feel so lonely staying in a place I'd rather not be. I know you want to try and make me feel better, but there's nothing you can do babes. Maybe I'll just wait til I get over it, or get used to wherever I am and hope that in due time I can be completely happy.

I'm sorry I've been messing with your feelings. It's my ill humor working to amuse me. I know it's unfair for you but I'm weird like that. I don't know why you love me. I'm not talking to you right now and it's still alright for you. You just said you'll sit back and watch me, although, I can see that you're not really watching me. I wonder what you're doing. But I don't want to ask. I'll just sit here until it's 11 pm and it's time for bed.

I love you, but I wonder if we can keep this up. What if everyday is like this? Won't we get tired eventually? You're being really patient right now. But I wonder if it would last long. And I wonder if I can be patient like you.

Also, I wonder what would happen if you suddenly change, how I'll take it in and cope with it. I wonder too much. I should stop.

Love,
Me

Into the Ocean

So I was reminded of the stuff I used to post. It's fun to look back and see what I was listening to and how I've felt.

I went to a beach called Boracay and stayed there for four days. It was really rainy and the waves were fierce. Still, we did some water activities and we even went island hopping. I kept imagining the boat would sink and I'd be washed away somewhere. While my imagination was at work, this song kept playing in my head.



I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down


Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down


Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I thought of just your face

I miss you

I talk to you but it seems like you're not really there. I miss the old times when we just have fun and we can talk all day and night without suddenly being annoyed and unhappy. I wonder what went wrong. You never run out of things to say but now you do. You never annoy me before, but now I get annoyed more often. I don't know if it's me, or if it's you. I don't know what's happening.

We've already reconciled but I still don't feel the same.

Do you still love me?

I know you're getting tired of me saying sorry after I put you through shit over and over. I know I'm messed up that I shut you out without considering your feelings and how you're clueless about most things that upset me. I know I regret doing those. I know that it hurts me more than it hurts you. I know that I shouldn't do anything that will both hurt us but I still do it because

I want your attention.

Every time you would stop talking to me after every problem I create I get scared. 'Did I say too much?' 'Am I too mean?' 'Did I hurt him too much?'

I know I'm selfish. And I also know that this blog lacks transition. But I want you to know, that most of the time I get annoyed, it was because of you not doing what I want and when I want it. Didn't I tell you I'm a psycho girlfriend? It just doesn't show much (or so I think).

Most of the time I wouldn't ask you for any favors upfront, but I would hint at it. And when you don't get it or you really refused to, I punish you through not talking to you. That's why most of the time you're clueless. It hurts me that you blame yourself because by now we both know it's all my fault. Me and my selfishness. You spoiled me too much, Adam.

Sometimes before I would send a message that will make you upset I think, 'why does he let me do this to him? Why doesn't he fight back? Why is he so patient? Why does he think that everything is his fault? Why doesn't he blame me for anything? Why is he covering up for every mean thing I do? ...why isn't he tired of me yet?'

I think that it's because you love me, but sometimes I think that you let me do these things because you'll make me pay when we're finally together. I don't know. I think of the most sinister things. When I imagine that, I see you as hiding under a sheepskin to lure me to fall deeply in love with you, then when we're finally together (when there's no way I could leave you), you'll put me through much worse. Well, that's the conclusion I had thought of because it's kinda' weird that you see me as perfect, when I am not for even just a bit.

Whatever I say or do is alright for you. Change plot of novel - yes
Change name of our website - yes
Call you a girl - ok
Do my work work - sure
Scold you - it's alright :(
Cheat - i'll just cry or attempt suicide

Why? WHY? Why do you let me do what I want even if it would mean heartbreak for you? Is it because you're scared I would leave you? I remember you told me once that you're scared to oppose me or something because I could easily leave you. But Adam, that's not what love is. I'm not saying that you go on a war with me every single day, but damn it, if I'm on the wrong side tell me instead of joining me.

I know you're tougher than what you show me, I know you don't easily crumble, I know that you're a guy who'll stand up for what he believes in, but what you show me now confuses me. Who are you really? And why can't you be real?

Adam, you're prolly thinking, 'here she goes again, provoking me to be mad at her,' but know that I'm not exactly doing that. Just...I want to tell you that even if you love me don't easily succumb to anything I say (although that would be beneficial on my end, it wouldn't be for you).

Although, if you really become all I tell you or change to someone else I don't know (this is a disclaimer to everything I've said so far), I wonder where we'll end up. I wonder if we can still accept each other and keep loving each other. Maybe I'm just saying that you should be you, whoever I am - girlfriend, best friend, acquaintance, etc.

Lately, we're being too far from each other (aside from being literally far from each other). I don't know. All I know is that when I feel that I would be pushed away, I tend to do it first. Prolly cause of my ego and my fear of rejection. Are you pushing me away? Don't I give you enough space? Are you getting tired of me and all my BS?

Do you still love me?

Fucking tired

Haven't slept at all, even for a single minute.

After Adam and I said goodbye, I went to brush my teeth. Then my aunt and uncle arrived. As soon as I opened the door, he handed me a folder, said that I should write an affidavit or whatever it's called (I can't even remember it right now, cause my mind is blank) and finish it tomorrow. I finished at about 2:30 am but he kept me and aunt up revising over and over. My head is spinning and I know I can't sleep now. I have internship at 8 am. It's 20 minutes before 6, and I need to take a shower, roughly after this.

I'm so tired and I feel so bad. If only I'm with my mom and sisters, I'd be sleeping soundly right now. I don't care if there are mozzies or if it's too hot. I'm more comfortable and happier being there.

Today's my 6th month with Adam, but I don't feel like being happy at all.

At school

Lying on top of the table. Mads and I are supposed to go to the mall today after this cause I need to buy a new bag and other stuff. We're waiting for our professor. Actually, not us but our other classmates but they don't want us to go yet.

I'm kinda' relieved now because our OJT professor called us to inform that tomorrow they would give us our recommendation letter for our new assignment. I hope that this time it works for both of us.

I was gloomy this morning cause my ego is crushed, I don't have a job and an internship, my boyfriend is worse, and I lack sleep. But I guess that it'll be fixed soon. I'm looking for a new job and the new internship brought hope.

I just wish that Ady would be alright soon, that I'd have my internship somewhere nice and that I'd have a new job soon.

Random thoughts of a messed up head

My depressed boyfriend went to sleep. I forgot about all my troubles because I was busy sorting out his shit. He said he'll do it himself, but I can't help it; it's dragging and the feeling is contagious. Also, I want him to be back in his old jolly vibrant handsome self. He looks five years older than me, and I'm two years older. So that's seven.

I'm listening to Metric. I downloaded all her songs. My iPod is complaining. It says that it can't include my photos anymore not because it's tired of me and my boyfriend's face but because the memory is full. I deleted some videos and a few screamo songs from Lost Prophets. It's alright now. I'm downloading another discography from The Submarine. Also downloaded discography of The Killers. Loving Metric. My iPod is angry. I should get another one with larger memory. >_>

I'm sleepy but felt too sad/bored/ to sleep. Blood is oozing out of me and it's...it's...gross why am I talking about this?

I miss my baby.

Tomorrow I'd be lost cause I prolly wouldn't know what to do. Will go to school to sort my problem about internships. Will meet Mads there. Will not bring my laptop cause it's too heavy. Will bring book to read. Will go to the mall to look for a cheap messenger bag; the one I'm using now is complaining as well. Why is everything wanting to be replaced? Even this laptop is gradually resigning.

I want a MacBook. It's too expensive. Might not be able to buy this year because my boss is suddenly gone. I wonder where he went and if he's coming back. He hasn't sent me a message for a month now, nor has he replied to my messages.

I will apply for that internship in Washington again. Must do it this week or next week tops. I might be lucky and get in this time. I should be lucky! I've been in a deep mess lately, and I need it. It's for experience, for a good future, for money, for new friends, for a four month escape, for pride, for myself, and for Ady and mom and sisters (and for fame and glory ;D ). Will not have my hopes up though. Expectations are bad things.

I'm sleepy and I should prolly head to bed cause it's 1 am and I'm worried about my skin but I'm still waiting for my iPod's battery to be full. I might just pull it out in five minutes cause I'm going crazy...and fat.

I miss Ady.

He's not coming this September. He's not coming next year and prolly the year after that. His parents don't like me. They think I'm a con-artist, a beautiful one so it's super effective. The sexiness didn't help either. I will go there after I graduate, wear a little black dress and three inch stilettos and strut to their door. I'll knock and ask questions like I'm lost. I can imagine it and it's making me chuckle.

I have everything I want a few months ago. Family, friends, money, freedom, love, happiness, opportunities (that slipped), and lots of fun times. Now all I have is my lonely love, who's fast asleep atm. He's so depressed that he's prolly thinking of leaving me. I won't be surprised. When everyone and everything's leaving, you tend to follow. It's alright, this isn't the first time I was stripped with everything and became alone. It'll be painful at first, but I'll get past it. Easy now that I'm actually not feeling anything anymore. Except love cause he's still there. Still. He's still there.

When will he be here? With me?

This week sucks

1. I'm having menstrual cramps
2. My boyfriend is hinting on giving up and breaking up with me.
3. I haven't talked to my boss, nor I have worked properly and my paycheck is late which might only mean one thing: I might be fired.
4. I have not been accepted in my internship and everyone at home thought that I'm having my internship in one of the most prestigious magazines here in the country. I talked to my dean and he said that I should do a research and find a new place on my own. I'm doomed.
5. I'm stuck here and far away from my family.
6. I haven't slept properly and because of this I have terrible skin.
7. My laptop wants to resign and is in dire need of a replacement but I have no money.
8. Idealized that the dress I bought on eBay might be too small for me which means,
9. That I'm getting fat.

Are you still you?

I have thought of sending you a message on Facebook because I'm missing you a lot, but I don't want to wake you up and so I thought of sending you an email but what will I say? I miss you? I love you? But you've heard them a lot of times before, I'm scared that they won't have any meaning at all. So to stop myself, I'd just write what my paranoid self feels.

Do you still love me just like before?

But what did before felt like?

Before you would not go to sleep until I do. You won't send me hints of going back to sleep when you're the one who wants it. You won't tell me that being distant from me might make you fall out of love. You won't be so depressed and edgy because you said I always make you happy.

As I fall in love with you more, you slowly back away. Maybe you don't notice it, but I know that you're somewhat getting tired of the same old shit every day - probably including me. I'm not gonna go and make a big deal out of this. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and paranoid and I might be wrong. The only correct thing I know is that, I shouldn't let my guard down. And I won't.

I'm going to take back what I said, and stand by what I believed in: If you don't want me, then I don't want you too.

Maybe I'm just too tired/sleepy/lonely/fucked up. But yeah, I love you.

So true

Tonight I'm bored because I'm not talking to my carrot nose. Not that I don't want to or can't, it's complicated. So since I don't have anything to do, I started browsing Twitter. I saw this cool person who posts stuff that relates easily to what I feel. I'm gonna save them by posting them here.

You know you're in love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye.
-> Mhm. Exactly like yesterday.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm waiting to see if you'll make an effort.
-> I always think of this.

Knowing that you are loved by someone makes every morning worth getting up for.
-> I retweeted this. Yeah, enough said.

It's not that I hate you.. it's just, put it this way. If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
-> HAHA

"Stalking" is a strong word, I like to look at it as "intense research on an individual".
-> I like.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believing it.
-> Anyhow, I did anyway.

The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss.
-> :3

I am not rude. You are just too insignificant!
-> lol

I hate it when you say "I miss you" but you don't do anything about it.
-> I KNOW!

I'm not really going to bed... I just don't want to talk to you anymore.
-> Mean! But I do this. :shifty:

You know someone means a lot to you when their mood can easily affect YOURS!
-> Aww, it's true. :3

Giving your friend the "what the fuck is this" look during a test!
-> Mads and Lola always get this look from me. XD

Should scroll down and look for more but I'm too tired and sleepy and tempted to come on msn, but if I do I know I'd be staying up until two in the morning. It's Monday tomorrow anyway, it'll be better.