Do you still love me?

I know you're getting tired of me saying sorry after I put you through shit over and over. I know I'm messed up that I shut you out without considering your feelings and how you're clueless about most things that upset me. I know I regret doing those. I know that it hurts me more than it hurts you. I know that I shouldn't do anything that will both hurt us but I still do it because

I want your attention.

Every time you would stop talking to me after every problem I create I get scared. 'Did I say too much?' 'Am I too mean?' 'Did I hurt him too much?'

I know I'm selfish. And I also know that this blog lacks transition. But I want you to know, that most of the time I get annoyed, it was because of you not doing what I want and when I want it. Didn't I tell you I'm a psycho girlfriend? It just doesn't show much (or so I think).

Most of the time I wouldn't ask you for any favors upfront, but I would hint at it. And when you don't get it or you really refused to, I punish you through not talking to you. That's why most of the time you're clueless. It hurts me that you blame yourself because by now we both know it's all my fault. Me and my selfishness. You spoiled me too much, Adam.

Sometimes before I would send a message that will make you upset I think, 'why does he let me do this to him? Why doesn't he fight back? Why is he so patient? Why does he think that everything is his fault? Why doesn't he blame me for anything? Why is he covering up for every mean thing I do? ...why isn't he tired of me yet?'

I think that it's because you love me, but sometimes I think that you let me do these things because you'll make me pay when we're finally together. I don't know. I think of the most sinister things. When I imagine that, I see you as hiding under a sheepskin to lure me to fall deeply in love with you, then when we're finally together (when there's no way I could leave you), you'll put me through much worse. Well, that's the conclusion I had thought of because it's kinda' weird that you see me as perfect, when I am not for even just a bit.

Whatever I say or do is alright for you. Change plot of novel - yes
Change name of our website - yes
Call you a girl - ok
Do my work work - sure
Scold you - it's alright :(
Cheat - i'll just cry or attempt suicide

Why? WHY? Why do you let me do what I want even if it would mean heartbreak for you? Is it because you're scared I would leave you? I remember you told me once that you're scared to oppose me or something because I could easily leave you. But Adam, that's not what love is. I'm not saying that you go on a war with me every single day, but damn it, if I'm on the wrong side tell me instead of joining me.

I know you're tougher than what you show me, I know you don't easily crumble, I know that you're a guy who'll stand up for what he believes in, but what you show me now confuses me. Who are you really? And why can't you be real?

Adam, you're prolly thinking, 'here she goes again, provoking me to be mad at her,' but know that I'm not exactly doing that. Just...I want to tell you that even if you love me don't easily succumb to anything I say (although that would be beneficial on my end, it wouldn't be for you).

Although, if you really become all I tell you or change to someone else I don't know (this is a disclaimer to everything I've said so far), I wonder where we'll end up. I wonder if we can still accept each other and keep loving each other. Maybe I'm just saying that you should be you, whoever I am - girlfriend, best friend, acquaintance, etc.

Lately, we're being too far from each other (aside from being literally far from each other). I don't know. All I know is that when I feel that I would be pushed away, I tend to do it first. Prolly cause of my ego and my fear of rejection. Are you pushing me away? Don't I give you enough space? Are you getting tired of me and all my BS?

Do you still love me?