Fucking tired

Haven't slept at all, even for a single minute.

After Adam and I said goodbye, I went to brush my teeth. Then my aunt and uncle arrived. As soon as I opened the door, he handed me a folder, said that I should write an affidavit or whatever it's called (I can't even remember it right now, cause my mind is blank) and finish it tomorrow. I finished at about 2:30 am but he kept me and aunt up revising over and over. My head is spinning and I know I can't sleep now. I have internship at 8 am. It's 20 minutes before 6, and I need to take a shower, roughly after this.

I'm so tired and I feel so bad. If only I'm with my mom and sisters, I'd be sleeping soundly right now. I don't care if there are mozzies or if it's too hot. I'm more comfortable and happier being there.

Today's my 6th month with Adam, but I don't feel like being happy at all.

At school

Lying on top of the table. Mads and I are supposed to go to the mall today after this cause I need to buy a new bag and other stuff. We're waiting for our professor. Actually, not us but our other classmates but they don't want us to go yet.

I'm kinda' relieved now because our OJT professor called us to inform that tomorrow they would give us our recommendation letter for our new assignment. I hope that this time it works for both of us.

I was gloomy this morning cause my ego is crushed, I don't have a job and an internship, my boyfriend is worse, and I lack sleep. But I guess that it'll be fixed soon. I'm looking for a new job and the new internship brought hope.

I just wish that Ady would be alright soon, that I'd have my internship somewhere nice and that I'd have a new job soon.

Random thoughts of a messed up head

My depressed boyfriend went to sleep. I forgot about all my troubles because I was busy sorting out his shit. He said he'll do it himself, but I can't help it; it's dragging and the feeling is contagious. Also, I want him to be back in his old jolly vibrant handsome self. He looks five years older than me, and I'm two years older. So that's seven.

I'm listening to Metric. I downloaded all her songs. My iPod is complaining. It says that it can't include my photos anymore not because it's tired of me and my boyfriend's face but because the memory is full. I deleted some videos and a few screamo songs from Lost Prophets. It's alright now. I'm downloading another discography from The Submarine. Also downloaded discography of The Killers. Loving Metric. My iPod is angry. I should get another one with larger memory. >_>

I'm sleepy but felt too sad/bored/ to sleep. Blood is oozing out of me and it's...it's...gross why am I talking about this?

I miss my baby.

Tomorrow I'd be lost cause I prolly wouldn't know what to do. Will go to school to sort my problem about internships. Will meet Mads there. Will not bring my laptop cause it's too heavy. Will bring book to read. Will go to the mall to look for a cheap messenger bag; the one I'm using now is complaining as well. Why is everything wanting to be replaced? Even this laptop is gradually resigning.

I want a MacBook. It's too expensive. Might not be able to buy this year because my boss is suddenly gone. I wonder where he went and if he's coming back. He hasn't sent me a message for a month now, nor has he replied to my messages.

I will apply for that internship in Washington again. Must do it this week or next week tops. I might be lucky and get in this time. I should be lucky! I've been in a deep mess lately, and I need it. It's for experience, for a good future, for money, for new friends, for a four month escape, for pride, for myself, and for Ady and mom and sisters (and for fame and glory ;D ). Will not have my hopes up though. Expectations are bad things.

I'm sleepy and I should prolly head to bed cause it's 1 am and I'm worried about my skin but I'm still waiting for my iPod's battery to be full. I might just pull it out in five minutes cause I'm going crazy...and fat.

I miss Ady.

He's not coming this September. He's not coming next year and prolly the year after that. His parents don't like me. They think I'm a con-artist, a beautiful one so it's super effective. The sexiness didn't help either. I will go there after I graduate, wear a little black dress and three inch stilettos and strut to their door. I'll knock and ask questions like I'm lost. I can imagine it and it's making me chuckle.

I have everything I want a few months ago. Family, friends, money, freedom, love, happiness, opportunities (that slipped), and lots of fun times. Now all I have is my lonely love, who's fast asleep atm. He's so depressed that he's prolly thinking of leaving me. I won't be surprised. When everyone and everything's leaving, you tend to follow. It's alright, this isn't the first time I was stripped with everything and became alone. It'll be painful at first, but I'll get past it. Easy now that I'm actually not feeling anything anymore. Except love cause he's still there. Still. He's still there.

When will he be here? With me?

This week sucks

1. I'm having menstrual cramps
2. My boyfriend is hinting on giving up and breaking up with me.
3. I haven't talked to my boss, nor I have worked properly and my paycheck is late which might only mean one thing: I might be fired.
4. I have not been accepted in my internship and everyone at home thought that I'm having my internship in one of the most prestigious magazines here in the country. I talked to my dean and he said that I should do a research and find a new place on my own. I'm doomed.
5. I'm stuck here and far away from my family.
6. I haven't slept properly and because of this I have terrible skin.
7. My laptop wants to resign and is in dire need of a replacement but I have no money.
8. Idealized that the dress I bought on eBay might be too small for me which means,
9. That I'm getting fat.

Are you still you?

I have thought of sending you a message on Facebook because I'm missing you a lot, but I don't want to wake you up and so I thought of sending you an email but what will I say? I miss you? I love you? But you've heard them a lot of times before, I'm scared that they won't have any meaning at all. So to stop myself, I'd just write what my paranoid self feels.

Do you still love me just like before?

But what did before felt like?

Before you would not go to sleep until I do. You won't send me hints of going back to sleep when you're the one who wants it. You won't tell me that being distant from me might make you fall out of love. You won't be so depressed and edgy because you said I always make you happy.

As I fall in love with you more, you slowly back away. Maybe you don't notice it, but I know that you're somewhat getting tired of the same old shit every day - probably including me. I'm not gonna go and make a big deal out of this. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and paranoid and I might be wrong. The only correct thing I know is that, I shouldn't let my guard down. And I won't.

I'm going to take back what I said, and stand by what I believed in: If you don't want me, then I don't want you too.

Maybe I'm just too tired/sleepy/lonely/fucked up. But yeah, I love you.

So true

Tonight I'm bored because I'm not talking to my carrot nose. Not that I don't want to or can't, it's complicated. So since I don't have anything to do, I started browsing Twitter. I saw this cool person who posts stuff that relates easily to what I feel. I'm gonna save them by posting them here.

You know you're in love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye.
-> Mhm. Exactly like yesterday.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm waiting to see if you'll make an effort.
-> I always think of this.

Knowing that you are loved by someone makes every morning worth getting up for.
-> I retweeted this. Yeah, enough said.

It's not that I hate you.. it's just, put it this way. If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
-> HAHA

"Stalking" is a strong word, I like to look at it as "intense research on an individual".
-> I like.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believing it.
-> Anyhow, I did anyway.

The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss.
-> :3

I am not rude. You are just too insignificant!
-> lol

I hate it when you say "I miss you" but you don't do anything about it.
-> I KNOW!

I'm not really going to bed... I just don't want to talk to you anymore.
-> Mean! But I do this. :shifty:

You know someone means a lot to you when their mood can easily affect YOURS!
-> Aww, it's true. :3

Giving your friend the "what the fuck is this" look during a test!
-> Mads and Lola always get this look from me. XD

Should scroll down and look for more but I'm too tired and sleepy and tempted to come on msn, but if I do I know I'd be staying up until two in the morning. It's Monday tomorrow anyway, it'll be better.

[/rant]

I wish I'd go home today but I couldn't. I'm stuck here because I'm unable to support myself. That means I can't complain, I'll have to follow what they want because if I don't...wait, if I don't, what? Maybe she'll stop paying for my college fees and giving me allowances. My graduation day is still a long wait, March 2012. I'm counting the days.

Everyone who knows me knew that I wanted so much to move by the beat of my own drum. But what can a 20 year old undergraduate do? The best job that I could get at this state is being a call center agent, and I'd have to stop school. I'd be working full time for less than fifteen thousand pesos a month.

Every time I would tell my friends that I hate living here in the Philippines, they'd give me a dirty look. I don't hate how I'm a Filipino, I just don't like how me and my future might mix up with the growing poverty here. Say, an average worker here works more than eight hours a day, and they don't even have enough money to provide for their family. Why's that? Because this country is so poor, the tax paid by people is corrupted, and the officials are selling the country's properties to foreigners. I hate how the Filipinos end up as workers to their foreign bosses at their own country. What happened to Filipino first?

If Filipinos are discriminated here, then I guess I'll just move to another country and work there earning my share a lot better compared to here. At least discrimination comes "natural" and will probably end once you've completely settled in.

Plus, journalists are killed here. I love my life. I don't care how people will say how unpatriotic I am. I'm selfish, and Ayn Rand said that selfishness is both moral and practical. I wouldn't choose to stay here and go down. You wouldn't understand.

I've thought of rallying, but watched in news that thousands of people already tried only to be beaten up. Did it make a difference? No.

All I want is to be independent, to have the government provide student loans, to work for my living expenses, I would've been able to do that if I was somewhere else. But this country just won't let me do it. No offense to hardcore patriots, I just want a better life.