I miss you

I talk to you but it seems like you're not really there. I miss the old times when we just have fun and we can talk all day and night without suddenly being annoyed and unhappy. I wonder what went wrong. You never run out of things to say but now you do. You never annoy me before, but now I get annoyed more often. I don't know if it's me, or if it's you. I don't know what's happening.

We've already reconciled but I still don't feel the same.

Do you still love me?

I know you're getting tired of me saying sorry after I put you through shit over and over. I know I'm messed up that I shut you out without considering your feelings and how you're clueless about most things that upset me. I know I regret doing those. I know that it hurts me more than it hurts you. I know that I shouldn't do anything that will both hurt us but I still do it because

I want your attention.

Every time you would stop talking to me after every problem I create I get scared. 'Did I say too much?' 'Am I too mean?' 'Did I hurt him too much?'

I know I'm selfish. And I also know that this blog lacks transition. But I want you to know, that most of the time I get annoyed, it was because of you not doing what I want and when I want it. Didn't I tell you I'm a psycho girlfriend? It just doesn't show much (or so I think).

Most of the time I wouldn't ask you for any favors upfront, but I would hint at it. And when you don't get it or you really refused to, I punish you through not talking to you. That's why most of the time you're clueless. It hurts me that you blame yourself because by now we both know it's all my fault. Me and my selfishness. You spoiled me too much, Adam.

Sometimes before I would send a message that will make you upset I think, 'why does he let me do this to him? Why doesn't he fight back? Why is he so patient? Why does he think that everything is his fault? Why doesn't he blame me for anything? Why is he covering up for every mean thing I do? ...why isn't he tired of me yet?'

I think that it's because you love me, but sometimes I think that you let me do these things because you'll make me pay when we're finally together. I don't know. I think of the most sinister things. When I imagine that, I see you as hiding under a sheepskin to lure me to fall deeply in love with you, then when we're finally together (when there's no way I could leave you), you'll put me through much worse. Well, that's the conclusion I had thought of because it's kinda' weird that you see me as perfect, when I am not for even just a bit.

Whatever I say or do is alright for you. Change plot of novel - yes
Change name of our website - yes
Call you a girl - ok
Do my work work - sure
Scold you - it's alright :(
Cheat - i'll just cry or attempt suicide

Why? WHY? Why do you let me do what I want even if it would mean heartbreak for you? Is it because you're scared I would leave you? I remember you told me once that you're scared to oppose me or something because I could easily leave you. But Adam, that's not what love is. I'm not saying that you go on a war with me every single day, but damn it, if I'm on the wrong side tell me instead of joining me.

I know you're tougher than what you show me, I know you don't easily crumble, I know that you're a guy who'll stand up for what he believes in, but what you show me now confuses me. Who are you really? And why can't you be real?

Adam, you're prolly thinking, 'here she goes again, provoking me to be mad at her,' but know that I'm not exactly doing that. Just...I want to tell you that even if you love me don't easily succumb to anything I say (although that would be beneficial on my end, it wouldn't be for you).

Although, if you really become all I tell you or change to someone else I don't know (this is a disclaimer to everything I've said so far), I wonder where we'll end up. I wonder if we can still accept each other and keep loving each other. Maybe I'm just saying that you should be you, whoever I am - girlfriend, best friend, acquaintance, etc.

Lately, we're being too far from each other (aside from being literally far from each other). I don't know. All I know is that when I feel that I would be pushed away, I tend to do it first. Prolly cause of my ego and my fear of rejection. Are you pushing me away? Don't I give you enough space? Are you getting tired of me and all my BS?

Do you still love me?

Fucking tired

Haven't slept at all, even for a single minute.

After Adam and I said goodbye, I went to brush my teeth. Then my aunt and uncle arrived. As soon as I opened the door, he handed me a folder, said that I should write an affidavit or whatever it's called (I can't even remember it right now, cause my mind is blank) and finish it tomorrow. I finished at about 2:30 am but he kept me and aunt up revising over and over. My head is spinning and I know I can't sleep now. I have internship at 8 am. It's 20 minutes before 6, and I need to take a shower, roughly after this.

I'm so tired and I feel so bad. If only I'm with my mom and sisters, I'd be sleeping soundly right now. I don't care if there are mozzies or if it's too hot. I'm more comfortable and happier being there.

Today's my 6th month with Adam, but I don't feel like being happy at all.

At school

Lying on top of the table. Mads and I are supposed to go to the mall today after this cause I need to buy a new bag and other stuff. We're waiting for our professor. Actually, not us but our other classmates but they don't want us to go yet.

I'm kinda' relieved now because our OJT professor called us to inform that tomorrow they would give us our recommendation letter for our new assignment. I hope that this time it works for both of us.

I was gloomy this morning cause my ego is crushed, I don't have a job and an internship, my boyfriend is worse, and I lack sleep. But I guess that it'll be fixed soon. I'm looking for a new job and the new internship brought hope.

I just wish that Ady would be alright soon, that I'd have my internship somewhere nice and that I'd have a new job soon.

Random thoughts of a messed up head

My depressed boyfriend went to sleep. I forgot about all my troubles because I was busy sorting out his shit. He said he'll do it himself, but I can't help it; it's dragging and the feeling is contagious. Also, I want him to be back in his old jolly vibrant handsome self. He looks five years older than me, and I'm two years older. So that's seven.

I'm listening to Metric. I downloaded all her songs. My iPod is complaining. It says that it can't include my photos anymore not because it's tired of me and my boyfriend's face but because the memory is full. I deleted some videos and a few screamo songs from Lost Prophets. It's alright now. I'm downloading another discography from The Submarine. Also downloaded discography of The Killers. Loving Metric. My iPod is angry. I should get another one with larger memory. >_>

I'm sleepy but felt too sad/bored/ to sleep. Blood is oozing out of me and it's...it's...gross why am I talking about this?

I miss my baby.

Tomorrow I'd be lost cause I prolly wouldn't know what to do. Will go to school to sort my problem about internships. Will meet Mads there. Will not bring my laptop cause it's too heavy. Will bring book to read. Will go to the mall to look for a cheap messenger bag; the one I'm using now is complaining as well. Why is everything wanting to be replaced? Even this laptop is gradually resigning.

I want a MacBook. It's too expensive. Might not be able to buy this year because my boss is suddenly gone. I wonder where he went and if he's coming back. He hasn't sent me a message for a month now, nor has he replied to my messages.

I will apply for that internship in Washington again. Must do it this week or next week tops. I might be lucky and get in this time. I should be lucky! I've been in a deep mess lately, and I need it. It's for experience, for a good future, for money, for new friends, for a four month escape, for pride, for myself, and for Ady and mom and sisters (and for fame and glory ;D ). Will not have my hopes up though. Expectations are bad things.

I'm sleepy and I should prolly head to bed cause it's 1 am and I'm worried about my skin but I'm still waiting for my iPod's battery to be full. I might just pull it out in five minutes cause I'm going crazy...and fat.

I miss Ady.

He's not coming this September. He's not coming next year and prolly the year after that. His parents don't like me. They think I'm a con-artist, a beautiful one so it's super effective. The sexiness didn't help either. I will go there after I graduate, wear a little black dress and three inch stilettos and strut to their door. I'll knock and ask questions like I'm lost. I can imagine it and it's making me chuckle.

I have everything I want a few months ago. Family, friends, money, freedom, love, happiness, opportunities (that slipped), and lots of fun times. Now all I have is my lonely love, who's fast asleep atm. He's so depressed that he's prolly thinking of leaving me. I won't be surprised. When everyone and everything's leaving, you tend to follow. It's alright, this isn't the first time I was stripped with everything and became alone. It'll be painful at first, but I'll get past it. Easy now that I'm actually not feeling anything anymore. Except love cause he's still there. Still. He's still there.

When will he be here? With me?

This week sucks

1. I'm having menstrual cramps
2. My boyfriend is hinting on giving up and breaking up with me.
3. I haven't talked to my boss, nor I have worked properly and my paycheck is late which might only mean one thing: I might be fired.
4. I have not been accepted in my internship and everyone at home thought that I'm having my internship in one of the most prestigious magazines here in the country. I talked to my dean and he said that I should do a research and find a new place on my own. I'm doomed.
5. I'm stuck here and far away from my family.
6. I haven't slept properly and because of this I have terrible skin.
7. My laptop wants to resign and is in dire need of a replacement but I have no money.
8. Idealized that the dress I bought on eBay might be too small for me which means,
9. That I'm getting fat.

Are you still you?

I have thought of sending you a message on Facebook because I'm missing you a lot, but I don't want to wake you up and so I thought of sending you an email but what will I say? I miss you? I love you? But you've heard them a lot of times before, I'm scared that they won't have any meaning at all. So to stop myself, I'd just write what my paranoid self feels.

Do you still love me just like before?

But what did before felt like?

Before you would not go to sleep until I do. You won't send me hints of going back to sleep when you're the one who wants it. You won't tell me that being distant from me might make you fall out of love. You won't be so depressed and edgy because you said I always make you happy.

As I fall in love with you more, you slowly back away. Maybe you don't notice it, but I know that you're somewhat getting tired of the same old shit every day - probably including me. I'm not gonna go and make a big deal out of this. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and paranoid and I might be wrong. The only correct thing I know is that, I shouldn't let my guard down. And I won't.

I'm going to take back what I said, and stand by what I believed in: If you don't want me, then I don't want you too.

Maybe I'm just too tired/sleepy/lonely/fucked up. But yeah, I love you.