[/rant]

I wish I'd go home today but I couldn't. I'm stuck here because I'm unable to support myself. That means I can't complain, I'll have to follow what they want because if I don't...wait, if I don't, what? Maybe she'll stop paying for my college fees and giving me allowances. My graduation day is still a long wait, March 2012. I'm counting the days.

Everyone who knows me knew that I wanted so much to move by the beat of my own drum. But what can a 20 year old undergraduate do? The best job that I could get at this state is being a call center agent, and I'd have to stop school. I'd be working full time for less than fifteen thousand pesos a month.

Every time I would tell my friends that I hate living here in the Philippines, they'd give me a dirty look. I don't hate how I'm a Filipino, I just don't like how me and my future might mix up with the growing poverty here. Say, an average worker here works more than eight hours a day, and they don't even have enough money to provide for their family. Why's that? Because this country is so poor, the tax paid by people is corrupted, and the officials are selling the country's properties to foreigners. I hate how the Filipinos end up as workers to their foreign bosses at their own country. What happened to Filipino first?

If Filipinos are discriminated here, then I guess I'll just move to another country and work there earning my share a lot better compared to here. At least discrimination comes "natural" and will probably end once you've completely settled in.

Plus, journalists are killed here. I love my life. I don't care how people will say how unpatriotic I am. I'm selfish, and Ayn Rand said that selfishness is both moral and practical. I wouldn't choose to stay here and go down. You wouldn't understand.

I've thought of rallying, but watched in news that thousands of people already tried only to be beaten up. Did it make a difference? No.

All I want is to be independent, to have the government provide student loans, to work for my living expenses, I would've been able to do that if I was somewhere else. But this country just won't let me do it. No offense to hardcore patriots, I just want a better life.

Something is wrong

But I can't figure out what. I'll try.

Break down:

School - Haven't done anything for thesis yet. Planning to do this today, look for interviewees and finalize questionnaires but I'm not sure if we'll make any progress. I feel so lazy right now I don't even want to come to class. :P

But that's not a problem. Things like that can be patched up very easily. I just need a push, or maybe a close deadline.

Family - It's cool. I don't want to talk about it but it's alright. I get the time I want now.

Friends - Mads is torn while Lola can't figure out if she's in love or what. I'm affected by what's happening with Mads but like Lola said, at the end of the day it's her problem, and I can't do anything to solve it.

Work - Boss told me to increase the number of articles I write in a day. I write two articles normally, sometimes one when I feel lazy. Now I write three and it's still not good enough. Eh, maybe I'll increase it again next month when he tells me. :P

Nanowrimo - Dropped. Stuck at 11,000 words. I know what to write. I just don't know why I can't write it. Why can't I? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out here. *sigh*

Boyfriend - Do I have one? :P Aw, he's alright. He's doing what I told him to do. But I don't know if it's really what I want, or if he feels bad about it. He doesn't open up to me and say what he thinks and what he feels. He thinks that I'm the bestest person ever. It's always me me me which I really hate. I loved the attention, but now I'm getting tired of it.

~~~

What's my problem? What's wrong? I still don't know. I don't know why I'm unmotivated, hopeless, and lonely. All I know is that I have a lot of things to do, and maybe I should start working on those right now. Because of this ugly feeling it'll be hard, but it's worth trying.

Somewhere only we know

You're adorable, you're not

I like you, I don't

You're cute, you're wasted

You're kind, you're mean

I miss you, I don't

You're the apple, I'm Eve

Is love supposed to act this way? Unsure, and ever-changing? Maybe it's not really what I thought it was. But I loved how I started my day smiling at everyone like a madwoman. You did that to me. I loved the way I came in class and all my friends stared at me quizzically. And all I told them when they asked me what was up with my crazy sweet smile was, "I'm in love." I felt good when I said it, even though I really don't know if I am or it's just some phase.

Whatever it was, I hope one day I'd be sure, so we could go together somewhere only we know.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

Ashes and Wine

When playing this song, a lot of things spark in my head like tiny bulbs so bright they blind and bring tears.

In the four minute song, this is what I had thought of:

New in Journalism school. Ian McMichan. Playlist.com. Out of place. Braces. DJ Murtaugh. Internet addiction. Guitar. Braces. Short ruffled hair. My favorite striped orange shirt. Nerd. Compaq laptop. Surfing. Hate school. Lost. Rejection. Desperation. Drunk. Sense of unbelongingness. Daddy. Angst. Late night neoseeking. Fabric conditioner. Too much rain. Broken heart.

It reminds me of November 2008.

When I had just turned 18 and life was lonely. Not that it isn't now, it is, still. But before was worse, as I had no concrete idea on what I'd do with my life. I was unloved. I was that new girl people should ignore. I was that poor girl people should pity on. I was that plain girl who would always go unnoticed. And I was that desperate girl who was told several times that she deserved better, but she knows it was a damn lame excuse of the guy she thought she loved.

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
And I'll drown in my tears, don't they see?
And that would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same I don't want mudslinging games
It's just a shame to let you walk away

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This days are spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out, I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down, no

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

And I'll tear myself away
So if it?s that is what you need, there is nothing left to say but

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

Captured

I was crying okay? There were tears. It wasn't visible though. >_>

Video project for Photo and Video Journalism. Had so much fun filming it with my buds Mads, Lola, and John and later on editing it with Mads at home.

Also, thanks to the people who helped us. If they're reading this, they would know who they are. :P

This was our very first time doing this, we were new in using the camera and we weren't listening during the discussion so we didn't know how to tinker with the white balance. :\ Aaaand, it was my first time using Adobe Premiere Pro. When I first opened the program I was like, 'Whoa, I hope this won't eat me whole." Noob. >_>

But thanks to the videos online, I pretty much learned the basics...soooo here it is:

When I was Bitter

You said that people change
Uncontrollably and out of range
Never thought it could come true
Until it happened to you

I woke up one bright morning
Alone and left with nothing
No more pictures lined on the wall
And you never answered my call

I found myself alone and thinking
Why everything didn't end up working
Am I not good enough for you?
My cooking not as good as your mom's stew?

I laughed bitter and cold
Hardly because I choked
Then realized that this cherry coke
Is better than you, ole' bloke.

~~

I find it really funny now.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time." -Carol Burnett

Us

I can't stop smiling. :D

God has a way of cheering me up when I'm about to go someplace hated. Also, I felt how good 'real' is.

Sooooo

There was this guy at the bus. He was busy listening to his music while I caught my breath (ran a bit to catch the bus). And then I noticed how long his hair was, tied up behind him. My eyes went *_*

Not only that, he was also really cute so I sat beside him. :)

I didn't know if I pretended to be asleep or if I really was. All I know was that I liked the feeling of resting my head on his shoulder. It was cold, but he was so warm. And we were so close as if I had known him for so long. He didn't mind. Once or twice I looked up and saw his eyes closed. I was sure he wasn't sleeping, maybe like me, he also pretended.

And this song played while I tried to sleep, contented.

They made a statue of us
And it put it on a mountain top
Now tourists come and stare at us
Blow bubbles with their gum
Take photographs have fun, have fun

They'll name a city after us
And later say it's all our fault
Then they'll give us a talking to
Then they'll give us a talking to
Because they've got years of experience
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious

They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
The tourists come and stare at us
The sculptor's marble sends regards
They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
Our noses have begun to rust
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
Were living in a den of thieves

And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious