This week sucks

1. I'm having menstrual cramps
2. My boyfriend is hinting on giving up and breaking up with me.
3. I haven't talked to my boss, nor I have worked properly and my paycheck is late which might only mean one thing: I might be fired.
4. I have not been accepted in my internship and everyone at home thought that I'm having my internship in one of the most prestigious magazines here in the country. I talked to my dean and he said that I should do a research and find a new place on my own. I'm doomed.
5. I'm stuck here and far away from my family.
6. I haven't slept properly and because of this I have terrible skin.
7. My laptop wants to resign and is in dire need of a replacement but I have no money.
8. Idealized that the dress I bought on eBay might be too small for me which means,
9. That I'm getting fat.

Are you still you?

I have thought of sending you a message on Facebook because I'm missing you a lot, but I don't want to wake you up and so I thought of sending you an email but what will I say? I miss you? I love you? But you've heard them a lot of times before, I'm scared that they won't have any meaning at all. So to stop myself, I'd just write what my paranoid self feels.

Do you still love me just like before?

But what did before felt like?

Before you would not go to sleep until I do. You won't send me hints of going back to sleep when you're the one who wants it. You won't tell me that being distant from me might make you fall out of love. You won't be so depressed and edgy because you said I always make you happy.

As I fall in love with you more, you slowly back away. Maybe you don't notice it, but I know that you're somewhat getting tired of the same old shit every day - probably including me. I'm not gonna go and make a big deal out of this. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and paranoid and I might be wrong. The only correct thing I know is that, I shouldn't let my guard down. And I won't.

I'm going to take back what I said, and stand by what I believed in: If you don't want me, then I don't want you too.

Maybe I'm just too tired/sleepy/lonely/fucked up. But yeah, I love you.

So true

Tonight I'm bored because I'm not talking to my carrot nose. Not that I don't want to or can't, it's complicated. So since I don't have anything to do, I started browsing Twitter. I saw this cool person who posts stuff that relates easily to what I feel. I'm gonna save them by posting them here.

You know you're in love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye.
-> Mhm. Exactly like yesterday.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm waiting to see if you'll make an effort.
-> I always think of this.

Knowing that you are loved by someone makes every morning worth getting up for.
-> I retweeted this. Yeah, enough said.

It's not that I hate you.. it's just, put it this way. If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
-> HAHA

"Stalking" is a strong word, I like to look at it as "intense research on an individual".
-> I like.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believing it.
-> Anyhow, I did anyway.

The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss.
-> :3

I am not rude. You are just too insignificant!
-> lol

I hate it when you say "I miss you" but you don't do anything about it.
-> I KNOW!

I'm not really going to bed... I just don't want to talk to you anymore.
-> Mean! But I do this. :shifty:

You know someone means a lot to you when their mood can easily affect YOURS!
-> Aww, it's true. :3

Giving your friend the "what the fuck is this" look during a test!
-> Mads and Lola always get this look from me. XD

Should scroll down and look for more but I'm too tired and sleepy and tempted to come on msn, but if I do I know I'd be staying up until two in the morning. It's Monday tomorrow anyway, it'll be better.

[/rant]

I wish I'd go home today but I couldn't. I'm stuck here because I'm unable to support myself. That means I can't complain, I'll have to follow what they want because if I don't...wait, if I don't, what? Maybe she'll stop paying for my college fees and giving me allowances. My graduation day is still a long wait, March 2012. I'm counting the days.

Everyone who knows me knew that I wanted so much to move by the beat of my own drum. But what can a 20 year old undergraduate do? The best job that I could get at this state is being a call center agent, and I'd have to stop school. I'd be working full time for less than fifteen thousand pesos a month.

Every time I would tell my friends that I hate living here in the Philippines, they'd give me a dirty look. I don't hate how I'm a Filipino, I just don't like how me and my future might mix up with the growing poverty here. Say, an average worker here works more than eight hours a day, and they don't even have enough money to provide for their family. Why's that? Because this country is so poor, the tax paid by people is corrupted, and the officials are selling the country's properties to foreigners. I hate how the Filipinos end up as workers to their foreign bosses at their own country. What happened to Filipino first?

If Filipinos are discriminated here, then I guess I'll just move to another country and work there earning my share a lot better compared to here. At least discrimination comes "natural" and will probably end once you've completely settled in.

Plus, journalists are killed here. I love my life. I don't care how people will say how unpatriotic I am. I'm selfish, and Ayn Rand said that selfishness is both moral and practical. I wouldn't choose to stay here and go down. You wouldn't understand.

I've thought of rallying, but watched in news that thousands of people already tried only to be beaten up. Did it make a difference? No.

All I want is to be independent, to have the government provide student loans, to work for my living expenses, I would've been able to do that if I was somewhere else. But this country just won't let me do it. No offense to hardcore patriots, I just want a better life.

Something is wrong

But I can't figure out what. I'll try.

Break down:

School - Haven't done anything for thesis yet. Planning to do this today, look for interviewees and finalize questionnaires but I'm not sure if we'll make any progress. I feel so lazy right now I don't even want to come to class. :P

But that's not a problem. Things like that can be patched up very easily. I just need a push, or maybe a close deadline.

Family - It's cool. I don't want to talk about it but it's alright. I get the time I want now.

Friends - Mads is torn while Lola can't figure out if she's in love or what. I'm affected by what's happening with Mads but like Lola said, at the end of the day it's her problem, and I can't do anything to solve it.

Work - Boss told me to increase the number of articles I write in a day. I write two articles normally, sometimes one when I feel lazy. Now I write three and it's still not good enough. Eh, maybe I'll increase it again next month when he tells me. :P

Nanowrimo - Dropped. Stuck at 11,000 words. I know what to write. I just don't know why I can't write it. Why can't I? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out here. *sigh*

Boyfriend - Do I have one? :P Aw, he's alright. He's doing what I told him to do. But I don't know if it's really what I want, or if he feels bad about it. He doesn't open up to me and say what he thinks and what he feels. He thinks that I'm the bestest person ever. It's always me me me which I really hate. I loved the attention, but now I'm getting tired of it.

~~~

What's my problem? What's wrong? I still don't know. I don't know why I'm unmotivated, hopeless, and lonely. All I know is that I have a lot of things to do, and maybe I should start working on those right now. Because of this ugly feeling it'll be hard, but it's worth trying.

Somewhere only we know

You're adorable, you're not

I like you, I don't

You're cute, you're wasted

You're kind, you're mean

I miss you, I don't

You're the apple, I'm Eve

Is love supposed to act this way? Unsure, and ever-changing? Maybe it's not really what I thought it was. But I loved how I started my day smiling at everyone like a madwoman. You did that to me. I loved the way I came in class and all my friends stared at me quizzically. And all I told them when they asked me what was up with my crazy sweet smile was, "I'm in love." I felt good when I said it, even though I really don't know if I am or it's just some phase.

Whatever it was, I hope one day I'd be sure, so we could go together somewhere only we know.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

Ashes and Wine

When playing this song, a lot of things spark in my head like tiny bulbs so bright they blind and bring tears.

In the four minute song, this is what I had thought of:

New in Journalism school. Ian McMichan. Playlist.com. Out of place. Braces. DJ Murtaugh. Internet addiction. Guitar. Braces. Short ruffled hair. My favorite striped orange shirt. Nerd. Compaq laptop. Surfing. Hate school. Lost. Rejection. Desperation. Drunk. Sense of unbelongingness. Daddy. Angst. Late night neoseeking. Fabric conditioner. Too much rain. Broken heart.

It reminds me of November 2008.

When I had just turned 18 and life was lonely. Not that it isn't now, it is, still. But before was worse, as I had no concrete idea on what I'd do with my life. I was unloved. I was that new girl people should ignore. I was that poor girl people should pity on. I was that plain girl who would always go unnoticed. And I was that desperate girl who was told several times that she deserved better, but she knows it was a damn lame excuse of the guy she thought she loved.

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
And I'll drown in my tears, don't they see?
And that would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same I don't want mudslinging games
It's just a shame to let you walk away

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This days are spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out, I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down, no

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

And I'll tear myself away
So if it?s that is what you need, there is nothing left to say but

Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?